My online mothers grieving mothers groups really annoy me sometimes. I was reading a feed today and they were all like..why would God do this..don’t let people tell u it will get better because it won’t..no one understands..the pain will never go awa my child doesnt belong with Jesus he belongs with me..ect ect ect. I understand the pain of having a child go home to heaven ..and I also understand that its differant for each person and in no way give myself the credit for coming out the other side of it. God did that..but I have to really keep myself from being like…really? No you don’t have to live in that pain..yes you can heal..yes you can go on with your life..yes your child IS in fact in a better place and YES your child is with Jesus and YES there is no better person to care for your child…not even you. I feel for these women don’t get me wrong but have you ever been around people that just seem to be head over heals in love with their misery? People who get offended anytime you say anything uplifting to them at all because the truth is they don’t want to get better. I feel that way about alot of the mothers in my groups..like they feel the show of pain and ruin in their life is in somway a testiment to how much they loved their child and if they let it go and keep on living in a joyous way it will be some kind of betrayal to their childs memory. I want you to just think on that logic for a minute. Yea I don’t get it either. The thing that really baffles me is women who have other children that still need them…and they are trying to kill themselves or laying in bed all day..just not functioning. What does that say to the little one that survived? Your not worth as much because you here? Child lose ( which is a term I hate because technically I did not lose Liam like a set of car keys or a hair brush i know exactly where he is) is devasting..and I am not saying any of this from a mean intent..I just dont get it. literally it sits in my mind like one of those cube things from the 80’s that i could never figure out. Do you know who is doing well? The mothers that have turned to Christ. The mothers that have turned their pain over and hold to him. I would of NEVER gotten thru it without Him carrying me..so when you see a lifeline..whyyyy would you refuse it? He gave me permission to heal. Maybe that is what some mothers wait for..some kind of permission that its ok. I never wanted nor want Liam to lookdown here and see me wasting my life crying for him when he is in the most glorious joyous place ever created. I’m not happy my son is not with me..but I am excited about what he’s doing in heaven and about the time when one day he can tell me all about it! I am the mother to a heavenly baby..a literally child of heaven..and that does make smile thru and thru. What is the bitterness doing for you? What is holding on to the pain and grief and the sorrow doing to make your life better? nothing. A big ol nothing. I am not strong..i am not brave and I am not some super woman. I want to make very clear that I am tooting my own horn ..HE DID IT ALL! All I had to do was want to get better thru Him… just except His help. Thats all any of us have to do. Just except the permission to heal. It all makes me so sad and frustrated. I just imagine these kids in heaven having a blast..exploring the amazement of it all..and these mothers down here tossing their lives in the trash. Stop it! I just want really want to yell..STOP IT! You don’t have to do that..you don’t have to live like that..you don’t have to give up and give in and toss up your white flag. I even saw a post earlier that the woman was saying that she only had her child for three years and how awful of God to give her her baby for three years and take him away. I wanted to be like do you know what I would of given for three years with Liam???!!! Count your blessings! It’s not easy folks..this thing called life..but nothing good is every easy and we have to stop looking for reasons to give up. I am not special in any other way then that I am a child of the most high God..I’m a normal girl..and I’m here as a testiment to what He can and will do if you allow it. I don’t cry anymore because i’m sad over my son..do you know what brings tears to my eyes daily? Two things..thinking about seeing Liam again and all the fantastic stuff we will have to talk about ..and feeling so joyous and thankful for all God has done. No matter where you are or what your going thru..the lilfe line is there..take it and watch the power of His love transform and restore you. Futhermore I would like to say..I am THANKFUL to God for sending me Liam..i am thankful to God for taking care of him now..I am thankful for the suffering that has taught me and drawn me closer to Him..I am going to be thankful and grateful no matter what the future brings…whether their are more children in it or not. And none of that is something my flesh could say with the joy..but ohh how my soul buzzes with joy just as i write the words…Let your self be healed…by the one and only great physician.

I went to the bridal shop on Saturday with one of my best friends..my mother..and my grandmother. I found the most amazing dress. As I stood there looking in the mirror I felt so overcome. Such hope. Such beauty and wonder that has come in the wake of such despair. I thought in my mind..Liam your momma and daddy are doing it right this time baby..what you taught me matters…I hope you will grow up so proud of your momma. The bridal consultant came over with this little bell and told me that it was tradition for the bride to make a wish for her future with her husband and ring the bell..tears welled up in my eyes as I took the bell into my hands. I thought of all the things I wish for..to be the mother my children can be proud of ..to be the woman the Lord would have me be..to be the wife to Gary that all men wish their wives to be..to be a better daughter..sister..and friend. But mostly I thought about Laim. I took that bell and made my secret wish..my secret prayer that only the Lord and I can know and had to bite back the tears threatening to stream down my face. This wedding means so much to me. It is one in the series of rainbows I heard my Lord promise to me in the midst of my blackest night. It is not just me marrying the man that love ..which in itself is so significant..in alot of ways to me it symbolizes the sunshine after the storm. Not just the storm of Liam going home to heaven but all the storms that have come..all that has happened and all that has been overcome thru Him. I spent so much of my life so lost..floundering and floating..making wrong choice after wrong choice. But when Liam began to grow inside me…I was forever changed. And this wedding to me is the public pronouncement of that change…of the change love can make..of the change that faith can make..the change that hope can make..the change that He can make.  I’m doing it right this time Liam…I remember everything that you taught me..I remember how you pointed me to the hands of my sweet Jesus again and again..I remember holding you..I remember the promise I made you in that moment when first you were put into my arms. I remember. I will always remember. And on that day when I’m walking toward your daddy..on that day when we say our vows and bind this little family of ours up in God’s sight and in the sight of our family and friends..know this..you will be there. You will be there because i will be there and you go everywhere that I go. I carry you..I carry you in my heart.  I want you to know something else. I hope and pray that God will send us your brother or sister…but if he chooses not to..having you ..knowing you..loving you..will always have been worth it and enough. Satan ment my hurt to destory me..but oh little darling..how loving you and holding to Him has made me so strong.  I will praise him yet…no matter what may come..always for all He has done and for sending me the miracle of you. How blessed I am. How I feel daily that I need to run thru the streets proclaiming His love. I am proof that everything He promised to do ..He has done. Not to many months ago i was laying in a hospital bed trying to figure out how i would ever smile again. Saturday I was standing in front of the people i love most in the dress that I will become Heather Downs in. Joy. Beauty from the ashes of broken dreams and hurt. Who could do this but an all loving all knowing Savior? None but Him. None but Him.  I want so much to express this feeling in my heart..in my soul..what it is like to be touched by Jesus. What it is like to be so amire in sin and still have Him reach out and touch you and whisper “I love you..go and sin no more. I have plans to prosper you..go and live in me.” I wonder if this is what so many felt so long ago when He walked this earth..when he reached out and touched them and healed their many ailments. It is not something you can be taught..it is something you can only truly experiance when you have no where else to turn and just fall into his always open arms. What blessings can come of suffering if only we allow him to work in us. What Satan means for our doom can be our greatest testimony. What the pit of hell ment for my demise ..has literally saved my life. If not for Jesus..if not for Him sending me Liam…I would not be so full of joy..i would probably not be planning my wedding and i would not be living the life that He has for me. I am so blessed. And I hope that today and all days..you count your blessings to. He never said the road wouldnt have bumps..he never promised a cloudless sky..but oh friends..what he did promise was a shelter from the storm and porch light that never burns low. So heres to the heavenly torch that guides our way..and the boat of his arms to house us in the choppy seas of life. And heres to the perfect dress..for a day of perfect hope. love.

I was just cleaning my house listening to praise songs and talking to my Lord..and as so often happens tears rolled down my cheeks. I wish i could convey to you the thankfulness of my heart, each day tears spring to my eyes in my time with Him..such love ..such hope..such mercy in Thee! There was a time that I thought I knew Him so well..but I knew him only as a little child knows things..I did not know him in the powerful way I do now. It’s like coming home everytime I thank him and feel his love for me. Look at me. Remember who I was? Now look again..and see what I am in Christ! See all of that and tell me you can honestly deny Him. What love what love..how He loves us so. I do not even know how to put it into words. I am not happy that Liam had to go..but I am greatful for the lessons that have come out of my sufferings. I am thankful for what I have been taught and what I have been shown..and how near I have been drawn to my Jesus. I am so thankful that He sent that little boy to me..HE knew I needed Liam. Jesus Christ saved my soul..and he sent that little boy who saved my life. My life is full of such abundant joy. Not because it’s perfact but because I am living in HIS joy. And only He can turn mourning into dancing..ashes into beauty..suffering into thankfulness and joy! Praise Him Praise Him great things has done ..does..and will do! You are not alone…in that dark hour…He is with you. He is always with us. In the book of Luke Jairus goes to Jesus and asks Him to please heal his sick daughter..on the way there they run into the woman with the issue of bleeding and before they make it to Jairus’s house the servents come to tell him that his child has died. It was pointed out to me today that from the time Jairus came to get Jesus there was not much talk..Jesus didnt say ok ill go heal her or anything really..he just began to walk with Jairus and when the servents came and told Jairus that his child was dead..Jesus simply said  “Do not be afraid ..only believe..”. I realize that death is but a hiccup between here and our heavenly home..and while some of us are healed on earth..we are all healed in heaven. Do not be afraid..only believe. I believe..I believe my son is in the best possible hands. And I believe that he is happy and surrounded by the love of heaven’s hosts. I believe in the joy that can be found in each and everyday. I believe in the miracles of my Jesus because he came down to a little hospital..in a podunk town and performed one on a heartbroken mother with the earthly body of her baby in her arms. I am not afraid…I only believe..in the closeness and completeness of his love. And that has made all the suffering past..and future..worth it.

There is a Hope that never runs out. A fountain ever full and ever over flowing…never empty..never dry. A hope that can consume your heart and fill your spirit even when everything around you seems a crumbled mess and the debri of life is piled so thick on top of you you fear you will die beneath it. There is a hope. There is a hope so deep and so wide that it reaches out to you right were you are..it begs to be let in..begs to help you heal…a hope whose aim is restoration. There is a hope embued with love..a hope everlasting…a hope that sees you and your personal intimate struggles and heartbrakes and wishes to cover them. There is a hope. There is a hope that can take a woman who held her stillborn child in her arms about  6 months ago and felt her heart shatter, that fills  her spirit continuely  with joy and expectation for the future..there is a hope tha twill dry your tears of saddness and replace them with tears of great joy. There is a hope that can turn the ashes of yesturday into the beauty of today and tomorrow. There is a hope. His name is Jesus.

In most states in the united states mothers of a stillborn baby can obtain a birth resulting in stillbirth certificate separate from the death cert. It took many years to get that law passed in the US and the grieving mothers in the UK are still fighting for their right to birth certs for their stillborn babies. Take some time and do something good for them..show them your support by signing this petition. I have signed in memory of my sweet Liam and in memory of all the women that have seen their angels to go to heaven so soon. My son’s heartbeat stopping was but a hiccup between him and Jesus carrying him into glory..but he still lived..and he deserves to be counted. So do the babies of the Uk.

http://www.change.org/petitions/the-government-of-the-united-kingdom-issue-birth-certificates-for-stillborn-children

I went this weekend with some of bridesmaids to get their dresses picked out..it was so much fun and I made an appt to come back with my maid of honor and shop for her and I. I don’t like white wedding gowns…i prefer an antique white or off white..I just think white is so harsh but if I wanted to wear white I think I could. I actually hadnt thought much about it till this morning. And I was sitting here thinking..you can’t wear white Heather..your not a virgin and your living with your fiance…even though you both have decided to wait till the wedding night to continue your intimate relationship people would not accept you in a white wedding gown. Funny thing…He interupted my thoughts and I swear to you I think I heard Him sigh. Why do you do that to yourself? My forgiveness makes you clean…my forgiveness has made you pure and even though you remember those sins that made you dirty..all I see is the child I love. It made me smile. We do that don’t we? We put on our scarlet letters  in the sublest of ways sometimes..and we just can’t except that we are new in Him. I have made alot of mistakes. A ton. But if I believe he has forgiven me I have to let them go. I can’t carry them with me..not thru this day and not to the alter. And I won’t..and I’m not going to let anyone else keep bringing them up either. If He can forgive and forget then so can we. I don’t want a white wedding dress..but today my father let me know that I am not dirty..i am not tainted and that He is proud of the work i’m doing. I’m not where I need to be but thank God i’m not where i was! And though my dress will be off white or antique white..I will be pure in the sight of my Lord=)

Today was Osiris’s field day. All the kids were running around and just having a blast. And I had one of those moments that just burst into my heart..unexpected and unannounced. This kid in O’s class turned to me and smiled so big and for a moment I thought I was going to lose it right there on the field. There are alot of things I’m going to miss with Liam. And I realized now more then I ever have that him going home to heaven was just a small part of this task that is not having him here. There are moments within everday that you realize ..I’m going to miss this….my child is going to miss this. I don’t think anyone who hasnt been through it can understand it. When you lose a parent or other loved one it hurts..but you get to keep all those memories of them and things you got to experiance with them earthside. When your child is taken from you by stillbirth..every single thing you do is a thing you will never do with your child..at least on this plane. I stood in that field today and listened to all the laughter and the chatter and watch the happy smiling faces of all those children…I watched Osiris’s excitment and I missed Liam in a whole new way. Close your eyes and imagine your children…the first step..the first tooth..the first word..the scrapped knees you were able to kiss and the those cartoon bandaids they just HAD to have. The times they crawled into your bed and slept with their toes in your face…the way they laugh..the way they say “mom” ..the way you have watched their personalities grow and change..those moments when you have been so proud of the people they are becoming..the things about them that you hold so dear. Now open your eyes and imagine a world where none of that happened. Imagine a world where the rewind button was hit on their entire lives and you missed all of those things. I know I’ll see my son again..and I am blessed beyond measure. But sometimes…when I think about all those things that will never be..its just a little overwhelming. We take so much for granted. We take each other for granted…and we surely take our children for granted. Thank God everytime you wake up with those little toes in your face…thank God for it all…even the fits and the scraps…thank God that they make you proud and that they are around to drive you crazy. I would give just about anything to have Liam here keeping me up all night. To attend his field day and nurse his wounds. To wake up and find that he has crawled into bed between me and gary and feel his foot in my rib cage ..to have him here…to watch him grow…to get to know who is going to be. Don’t take the ones you love for granted..don’t take your babies for granted…because in just a few minutes or seconds or beats of heart  ..everything can change.

When you lose someone you love…i think in perticular a child..it’s easy to look for someone or somewhere to place the blame. A place or person to direct your hurt at ..your anger at…your frustration at.  But I see more and more people focusing all that on God and it not only makes me sad it makes me a little curious. If I am to blame God for Liam’s going home to heaven..then do I not have to blame him for the death of every child in all the world? Every death of not only children..but death in general? For if he ..by my own reasoning..had no right not to step in and allow my son to stay earthside..then do I also consider that my child or my pain is more important then everyone elses? Or do I step up and say that children should never die and no one should die and that if he doesnt step in and prevent bad things from happening to anyone and everyone that he is at fault for everything? And if i am to do that..then what do I praise him for? Do I forget that he gave me my son in the first place. That that child was only mine because he gave him to me? Do i curse his name for Liam’s death and refuse to praise him for Liam’s life? Do i curse him for my pain…yet refuse to take his hand and be responsible for ANY of the work it takes to move toward healing? Do I sit still and cry and scream why and refuse to stop and listen to his answers? Do I believe that all bad things are his fault and all good things are of my own doing? For if he is a terrible horrible killer of loved ones and children then how can he be the same God that blessed me with knowing those people in the first place? So if i am to live by this logic then yes..all bad things are God’s fault and all good things are to be credited to me. If you sit down and really think about it..it seems rather silly doesnt it? Why not blame for all problems in the world and for not stepping into fix them? Why not blame him that we do not enjoy heaven on earth even though alot of the problems we face..deaths excluded..are more times then not of our own making? Why not just live and drown in our grief and saddness and regret and blame God the whole time? Because clearly that is going to be good for everyone ..including ourselves. What good does blame do? What good does it do to chase “why” around in a circle until your worn out and ready to break? HE sees the big picture..he knows why…and we can either trust Him or not..accept it or not..allow healing or not. That is OUR choice. No one else can be blamed for making the wrong one. I see stories of women everyday that have been through horrific things and I am here to tell you …that no matter how bad your loss is someone has been through something worse. It’s so important not to allow the life of Liam ..for me..to become all about his going home to heaven. I do not want him to look down here cradled in God’s arms and hear me going on and on about how its all God’s fault that he is in paradise safe and sound and surrounded by peace and joy and wonder just why in the world that would upset me! Sure I miss him. Sure i miss him everyday. But I celebrate him. I do not spew  venom on God or anyone else. its ok to grieve..to express hurt and pain and sorrow..it’s also ok to take God’s hand and work toward healing. I just want to send a big hug today to the mothers that have helped me along my grief journey to look to Him..for their courage and their bravery..for their willingness to help another mother in need. I want to send a hug to my mother and my grandmother for always pointing me toward the way I should go…because He has literally saved my life and my very sanity. I am living in JOY! My heart is so full of thanksgiving…so full of HOPE. I don’t need to blame anyone. I am free. Free to live and laugh and miss my angel without losing it every second of every day. I am so glad that I don’t need to play the blame game…no one wins. I am praying for everyone caught in that cycle today. I am praying for all the mothers who are missing  their children today. I am praying for everyone that needs to thake His hand of healing and just for whatever reason wont. Peace..joy..love. Today is full of these for me. I hope they will be full of these for you to.

I was sitting on my porch today…after talking with a good friend…thinking about all that has happened this year already. Terrible winter…full so many dashed hopes and dreams. Emptiness and sorrow..joy turned to despair. I was thinking about how thankful I am for the joy God has returned to my life..the joy that can only be because of his divine intervention into the most tramatic time in my life. The joy that he has given back to my broken heart against all earthly odds. Supernatural..magical..God’s hand in the cold and desolate winter..not only of this year but the worst winter of my heart. What praise can I give such a savior? What words can I say..or songs can I sing to express to Him my gratitude for his unfailing presence in that all consuming darkness? I want to reach my arms up to heaven and hug Him…cry tears of joy onto His shoulder and thank Him for showing me just how faithful he is to his promises. The tree outside my porch is blooming..lovely pink blossoms..I looked at them and was so filled with the knowledge..spring has come again. Life is all around..the birds are singing and the butterflies are flying..the grass is a beautiful lively shade of green and the trees are in full dress. Hope has turned to the fulfilment of a promise…spring has come again..to this earth and to my life. The winter was harsh ..the winter of my heart in the earthly season of winter arrived together..blew cold wind into my very soul and whispered that the freeze was here to stay. But all along he carried me…I will never leave or forsake you..Spring will come again…hold to me..Spring will come again. I realize even more now that our lives go thru seasons to. And no matter how hard the season..no matter how hopeless the circomtance…if we just hold to Him and have faith…we can enjoy the mountain top again. I thank you Lord..for walking with me this cold season…for carrying me during the frost of my heart..and for giving me this God sent sign in your creation of nature that indeed..spring has come…and as long as I have faith in you..no matter what winters I may face..the sunshine of your love will always melt the cold and ice..and bring Spring once again to my soul. Thank you thank you thank you..for the joy and hope that that brings my heart. Thank you father..for spring.

People have asked me why I feel the way I do about my Lord. It doesnt come from a place of judgement or a place of anything ugly. It comes from knowing Him…and experiancing His love. A love that helped me get myself together when i was young..a love that has picked me up so many times out of pits of my making..a love that has endured and seen me through no matter where I’ve been in life or what I have been doing. I got challenged recently about God’s unconditional love and it really got me thinking. I wanted to find a way to express why I feel the way I do..why I know it like I do. I have strayed about as much as a person can stray. I have done so many things that time and time again I knew I shouldnt do. I have been a weak witness..I have been of the world hook line and sinker. I am so imperfact. I realize it with Osiris..how much I want to protect and how much he infuriates me sometimes because he does the same wrong things over and over. I realize sometimes thats how I must look to my Lord. This child of his..that constantly disobeys. But I love Osiris..no matter what he does..I do not always like his behavior..but I love him..I want whats best for him and I’m here for him. I always thought that I believed that God loved me without condition but I realized on a certain early morning in jan. that I had not really believed it at all. I had carried with me every wrong thing I had ever done and had convienced my subconscience that He could not love me anymore..not after all I had done. And then I sat there and listen to words I will never forget ..that my child was not here anymore..and the first thought I had was ..its my fault..its my fault for being a sinner for disobeying God’s will. And no sooner had i allowed that thought to leave my lips did I feel his arms around me. I love you. I love you. I love you. I will carry you..I promised I would..lean on me. I sit here now and I can tell you truly that no one was more surprised then me. That faith did not come from some well inside myself..it came from Him. It wasn’t even faith really because He was there..speaking to my broken heart..I could feel Him..I can feel Him still. Until you have had a moment like that…well..I cannot tell you in words what it is like. What I can tell you is that I love Him now in a way I think I never have. I’m full up with it. Love and Gratitude. It was not my first encounter with Him..but it is the one that will stay on my heart forever. So yes it hurts me when people slander Him and his true people..the ones that really follow Him. And yes I do believe and admit and proclaim that Christ is the only way. I have tried it all and done it all..and He is the only one that has EVER come to the valley to rescue me. He is the only well spring of joy..the only truth in the midst of lies..the only comfort to my broken heart and the only one who loves me..no matter what i’ve done..no matter who Ive been..no matter how much I may resist..he loves me..without condition. I know that because I have experianced it. I was an unwed mother..if i had not gotten pregnant out of wedlock Liam would of never died. He had no reason to come down and pick me up. But he did it. I am a sinner..He had no obligation to go to the cross for me..but he did it. I am disobediant and headstrong..No one forced him to rise from the dead and offer me the promise of hope that is that empty tomb…but he did it. If that is not unconditional love then it does not exist. I love Him so. So when people try to belittle Christ..when they try to take from Him who and what He is ..yes it bothers me. Not because i’m some religious fanatic..but because i love Him. NO one likes it when someone talks bad about a person they love with all their heart and soul. And I love Him…I love Him..plainly..simply..complexly..love Him. Everyone is entitled to seek and find the path they will walk. I believe whole heartedly we should just love each other. That is the message of my Jesus..the message is LOVE. But what kind of person would I be..if I in my own way..didn’t tell anyone eles what He has done for me? I am full of His joy and full of His love..and sometimes yes..I backslide into old ways. I am a work in progress but when something is over full its bound to spill out and my love for my Jesus spills out all over my life like the richest wine overflowing the cup its been placed in. Its not about judgement..its not about being right..its about love. Praise Him..Praise Him..great things he has done! I’m not sitting on this bed crying every night anymore..I’m not held up in my house living under a cloud of depression or full of bitterness and anger. I’m not humanly capabile of all that.. He gave that to me. So yes..I love Him. Do not be surprised if I say so=).